Understanding the Four Horsemen: How to Prevent Relationship Deterioration
In the world of relationships, maintaining love is not an easy task. Many couples encounter potential problems in their interactions, and if these issues are not addressed promptly, they can lead to the deterioration of the relationship. Today, we introduce the Gottman Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Understanding how these Four Horsemen impact relationships and learning how to avoid them is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.
Horseman No.1 - Criticism
Criticism involves making negative judgments about your partner’s character or behavior, such as “You are always so selfish” or “You never listen to me.” Such remarks can make the other person feel attacked, leading to arguments.
How to avoid it?
Learn to express your feelings and needs positively, avoiding blaming your partner with absolute terms like “You always do this…” or “You never remember this…”
For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” try saying “I feel we could listen to each other more.”
Horseman No.2 - Contempt
Contempt is shown through disrespect towards your partner, such as using sarcasm, ridicule, or mockery. This behavior can make your partner feel devalued and unloved, and it is one of the deadliest behaviors in a relationship.
How to avoid it?
Practice respecting your partner with attention and gratitude. Use words of appreciation and praise to show your care and love.
For example, saying “You must be exhausted from working overtime today” expresses love and care, whereas “You must have slacked off at work to be stuck with overtime again”, which is demeaning and contemptuous.
Horseman No.3 - Defensiveness
When feeling attacked, we often adopt a defensive attitude to protect ourselves, such as justifying, blaming, or counter-attacking. This behavior only complicates and escalates the problem.
How to avoid it?
When faced with criticism or blame, try to remain calm, listen to your partner’s opinion, and acknowledge your shortcomings. This approach helps to defuse conflicts and fosters mutual understanding and cooperation.
For example, instead of saying “You say I don’t do the dishes, but you never wash the clothes, such hypocrite!” which spike up the conflict, try saying “I’ve been rushing to drop the kids off in the morning, so I haven’t had time to do the dishes. How about we use the dishwasher from now on?”. The calm response doesn’t pick on each other and encourage a healthy discussion.
Horseman No.4 - Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when, during a conflict, you emotionally shut down and withdraw from the conversation, refusing to engage. This behavior can make your partner feel isolated and helpless and is a sign that the relationship is breaking down.
How to avoid it?
When feeling overwhelmed, let your partner know you need a break to calm down, and specify when you’ll return to the conversation (15 minutes is recommended). If you still feel overwhelmed after the break, communicate that you need an additional 15 minutes to cool off.
Being able to communicate calmly and rationally without avoiding the conversation is key to finding solutions.
The Four Horsemen—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—are common issues in relationships, but they are not insurmountable. By learning proper communication skills and practicing respect and care for each other, we can avoid these problems and maintain healthy, stable, and happy relationships.
If you and your partner are experiencing emotional difficulties or wish to enhance your relationship, we welcome you to Ashore Wellness. Our professional marriage and relationship counseling services are dedicated to helping you identify and overcome these Four Horsemen, rebuilding a healthy and harmonious relationship. Our team will accompany you through challenges and find solutions that work for you, bringing love back into your relationship. Contact us today, and let’s start a new chapter of love together!
